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Operating In Minnysota. Also Serving Visconsin, Nort And
Sout Dakota.
If you are travelin soon, consider Yooper Air, da no-frills
airline.
You're all in da same boat on Yooper Air , where flyin is a
upliftin experience. Dere is no first class on any Yooper Air
flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad;
16-21,a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors
please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All
fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da
budget is met.
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you
wit da safety system aboard dis Yooper Air. Okay den, listen
up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real
surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right
around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure vould
probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat
nature, and I vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da
rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry
about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to
be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two
tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but
after a while you get used to it.
In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying
da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about
forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us,
which some people say trespass against us,' which isn't right,
but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not
because day may confuse da plane's navigation system,
which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell
phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use
a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of
your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with da
coffee pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals
are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit
you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not
kiddin !
Right now I'll say Grace: 'Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest
and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy
Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.' Amen
Sout Dakota.
If you are travelin soon, consider Yooper Air, da no-frills
airline.
You're all in da same boat on Yooper Air , where flyin is a
upliftin experience. Dere is no first class on any Yooper Air
flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad;
16-21,a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors
please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All
fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da
budget is met.
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you
wit da safety system aboard dis Yooper Air. Okay den, listen
up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real
surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right
around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure vould
probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat
nature, and I vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da
rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry
about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to
be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two
tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but
after a while you get used to it.
In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying
da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about
forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us,
which some people say trespass against us,' which isn't right,
but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not
because day may confuse da plane's navigation system,
which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell
phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use
a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of
your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with da
coffee pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals
are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit
you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not
kiddin !
Right now I'll say Grace: 'Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest
and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy
Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.' Amen
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hopefor you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayedto paramedics at a chili cook-off
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City
Park
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking
for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had
to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me
on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
hopefor you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayedto paramedics at a chili cook-off
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City
Park
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking
for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had
to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me
on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American
company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products.
She
really gets rolling after the first paragraph....
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ' Always ' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never
go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear
of running up & down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how
safe & secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my
pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from the curse? ?I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time
of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel
hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during
your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must
know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and
about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out of control
behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In
fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to
shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by
drunken chimps ~ Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings
me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these
words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your
tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will
never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house
just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more
sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down
the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong' , or are you
just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons Austin , TX
company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products.
She
really gets rolling after the first paragraph....
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ' Always ' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never
go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear
of running up & down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how
safe & secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my
pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from the curse? ?I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time
of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel
hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during
your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must
know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and
about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out of control
behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In
fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to
shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by
drunken chimps ~ Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings
me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these
words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your
tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will
never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house
just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more
sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down
the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong' , or are you
just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons Austin , TX